The Ace of Spades. It's a song, but it's also a card. In black jack it can mean either a one or a ten. That's right- it can mean either the lowest or the highest numerical card of your choosing.

In a losing game isn't it nice that you get a choice? In that subtle moment you get to pick your fate. Do I want a high card or a low card? But of course the moment is always fleeting and you chose wrong. Looks like you lost.

So you play again. And again. And again. And again.

Odds or evens. Odds or evens. Odds or evens. Odds or evens. Odds or evens. Odds or evens. Odds or evens. Odds or evens. Odds or evens. Odds or evens. Odds or evens. Odds or evens. Odds or evens. Odds or evens. Odds or evens. Odds or evens.

      I feel it in my face more than anywhere else. My lower back is blown out, my shoulder is failing me and my knees get shakier every year, but my face- that’s where I feel it the most.

You know when you’re a kid and you wake up and that sensation you feel in your face. The sensation that you’re not awake yet? And then by the afternoon it disappears and you feel normal again. Well that’s what ageing feels like except there is no snapping back into normality.

Every passing day I feel the cells in my face change. They’re tired. It’s too much for them to hold their form anymore and they must abide by the natural rules that govern them. They must deplete themselves. It’s what they were designed to do. And one day the rest of my body will catch up to my face.

My hands are right behind my face. The wrinkles and curves of my palms and fingers have become more rigid and defined. They fatigue easier and grip with less strength each passing day. The callouses on my palms get thicker with each day of labor. And my index fingers become drier and more hardened with every twist of a screwdriver.

Is it better to be a soft man?

      There's two choices, 1) Normal or 2) Weird, which one do you choose to be? As of now it's real quirky to say you wanna be weird- but when I was young you didnt wanna be the weird one. It's so bizzare how looking alternative and different is now appraised at top dollar.

I knew even as a kid that being weird wasn't some quirky choice, now it's a conscious decision. I don't understand how these things change- or what even the purpose behind them is. There is this undying passion within us to stand out. It burns so intensely.

I still think being weird isn't the right choice. Because when everyone chooses to be weird- they end up being normal as whatever weird is- becomes normality.

I am weird.

                                                                                              Happy Holloween.                                                   

      As long as I can remember, being alone is where I always exerpeienced the largest amount of peace. Period. If I am alone- there is peace. There may be bouts with chaotic thoughts of depression or the occasional flair up of existential dread, but that all gets saved for the morning when you're basically not even human yet.

I'd like to take you back in time when I was in Taiwan with a friend of mine, Yui. For whatever reason my friend made an odd observation about me on an evening train ride back into Taipei city. She noted that I looked like something was bothering me, like I was sad. When she noted that out loud to me, it was the first time I heard an outsider notice something about me like this that I can't see myself.

Telling someone they look sad isn't something I typically hear. Maybe because I'm a loner, but at that point I became aware of how my physical presence affects the emotions of people around me.

There was a lot of fighting when I was a kid. Often times would hear yelling, maybe shit getting broken. It could have been worse, there is worse, but not much I'd like to conlvudge on an internet blog. I remember during the spurts of yelling that If the lights were off and it was pitch black in the room, I'll be safe.

There's a stillness about it.

Even right now as I write I can sense the contention in the rooms over- the arguing. All that hatred bouncing around the room- pinging off the walls. Small muffled sound waves just barely penetrating the sheetrock so I can hear it.

But those lights are off. I'm invisible. I'm so relaxed because It's like I'm not even here.

It's weird. I feel like I could pee.

For a moment the yelling stops. Atleast when the voices are rolling I know where they are and what they're doing. Now there's uncertainty. Where will they roam to next. Perhaps they can just stay where they are so I can remain invisible in this darkness.

I love the stillness.

I'd experience this many times in life. Where I'm frozen in this stillness which is what Yui saw on that train.

I spent the summer renovatiing a place and went up to the attic to play with some electrical wiring. The heat was sweltering, the insulation was causing my arms to itch and my repirator mask stifled my breathing as I hunched over to crawl on the beam supports. I finished the last relay I was working on and noticed how dark it was up there. It was so entirely still.

My flashlight's ray was blissfully showing the dance of insulation particles in the air. On my hands and knees barely balancing on these supports. I felt it again; the stillness. I wasn't there. I was completely gone. I had become this passive entity with nothing. No body, no mind, all I had was the expanse of stillness.

I must have froze for 20 minutes up there, feeling amazing. I could hear the nighbors in the units adjacent. I'm glad they were there moving around just living life, because it brought me back from the freeze.

I freeze a lot just to witness the stillness. It's really peaceful.

      Really don't enjoy apologizing, because I like to think all my actions are done with the utmost conviction. Even then, days, weeks, months and maybe years later I become sown with contrition even if I am in the right. How can this be? Feeling like you owe someone and apology even though they've inflicted plethoras of emotional distress upon you. Is this some form of stockholme syndrome. I can't really say.

How do you really execute and apology though, it has such a duality to it. One party has to craft their confession from their heart in such a digestable manner enough so that the other party finds the apology to be trasparent of real emotions- oh, and they also have to accept it. There's really no guarantee for any of it to work.

I wonder what percentage of apologies actually mean anything, and what percentage of apologies just become repeats of social blunders that that apology was meant for in the first place. We can't know. Not yet.

We should come back and visit the apology. Sometimes you never hear one.

      What an odd topic. Can we truly forgive those who've wronged us? Yes we can, but there are always battle scars. A putty knife and some spackle can cover those scars, but deep down the contractor knows those scars are there no matter how perfectly they are repaired.

One of the thoughest parts about forgiveness is that you have to trust that the person you are forgiving will accept it. Perhaps they are waiting for forgiveness from you. It's such a gamble, but atleast you have the security knowing that you tried to forgive someone.

I do beleive some people should not be forgiven in life. Those who slander and want to impede on your freedom. It's best to keep those individuals away from you. Sometimes I think about those people who have wronged me and wonder if they've changed at all. It their vitriol has subsided. It's once again a gamble.

Some don't deserve forgiveness simply because they haven't changed. They still want to extract things from you. Put you down and prop themselves up.

Maybe you've changed.

Second chances.

Maybe a thrid.

      Last post was kinda poetic. Feels kinda cringy when I do that. Who cares. Whooooo caresssss. I don't care about anything, but I do at the same time. How is that even possible? Not giving a shit, but deep down really giving the biggest shit you've ever given. Amazing. Humans are so messy. Wish I was an alien. If you drink enough water the nightmares stop happening. It's nice. You can finally feel rested again which is welcome. Okay I think that's all for now.

      Its been 3 years since I've updated this blog. I realize now that this is more of an archive for little thoughts I have more than anything. I know on rare occasions I'll have freinds, family, people who've played my levels or past girlfriends check in here to see what I'm doing, but maybe not. Perhaps this really is an echo in the wind.

No matter.

We all need to call to the wind here and there. Even when no one hears it except you.

Well life hasn't moved on much. Depression is more keen due to the widespread pandemic and lack of socialization, that albiet has always been a love hate issue. Do I really want to cloud my life with other souls as complicated as mine? I think this might make the world a worse off place. Being on the outside looking in, watching society churn is always where I've felt I've needed to be.

It does scare me sometimes; the whisper in the wind. At the snap of a trigger I disappear. There may be a few that weep, but life would largely move on. Just as it had for our ancestors. Do we mourn our great aunts and uncles? I'd say hardly unless they were of some historic relevance. In my situation- there is no signifigance. Perhaps to only a few souls, but my impact is too insignifcant to be missed.

Of course this isn't a good-bye. I'm confronting a reality we're all scared off: being invisible. By my own volition nonetheless. It's isolating and at some level deeply depressing, but I can never match the might of social compliance. There are acts of politics I have no idea I'm taking part in simply by existing. There are demands and statuses that need to be towed. I always ask the same questions when thinking about these things.

Does any of it matter?

We could argue for future generations that yes, your choices today affect the next. Undeniably true, but in my selfish roost- If I am to pass and the unknown is ahead of me, why would I care who inherits the earth after me? I am dead and therfore have no atatchment to the souls after me. The trouble with being invisible is that you already feel dead. There are no oberservers. Only slight sensations throughout the months where you feel a distant soul's tickle of a thought about you. And then it vanishes.

There is an attempt each year to better yourself. Running, lifting, education, quitting mastrubating and smoking, but sadly the cycle just continues. It must continue because there is a role to fill. You must play your part and that part is to exist like the non existant. Invisible.

I plead with myself and say you can stop this anytime you'd like, but I conceed once again for another year. The cycle continues.

     Yes. It has been. Whats been happening? Did you learn how to code? Did you make some levels in UE4? Are you getting married? None of these enigmas will be answered. Sorry.

     The other day my buddy was playing the alpha for unreal 4. It was so beautiful. He was just walking around adjusting settings in an empty multiplayer map. I was just floored by the beauty of the level and its fluidity. He gave me a little info on the engine and I've decided to check it out. I'm really excited to start making levels with the editor. I miss map making. I use to take so much pride in all of the maps I've constucted over the years. I'm hoping to recapture some of that glory. See you on the other side chaps!

     I want to start making music again, but programming is really where my mind is at lately. I'm currently learning about mesh manipulation in Unity. There's too much to learn and I want to cry. Don't cry bitch you can do it. Okay you're right. Now get back to cracking to code fucker. Okay bye.

     There's going to be smelling mistkaes and grmmur porblmes. Sorry Guys.

     Okay, I know this film came out a year ago, but it's a film that I think about really often. Before I go into why I need to address critics. Look, I'm okay with negative critics whether you've have a problem with the cinematography, the story telling, acting or whatever it may be. I cannot, however, accept that some people walk away from this movie looking at it as a movie and nothing more. If we look outside of the actors and cinematography we see a beautiful story that speaks to humanity in such a powerful way. If you walked away from this movie thinking it's just Holloywood trying to make a buck, you're only half right.

     Let me break this down. Interstellar offers movie goers a chance to look outside of entertainment and more onto themselves. It offers you a chance to consider a real life possibility that humans were born to do; explore. Since the dawn of time humans have this inate need to explore their surroundings. Albeit that at this time exploration is limited to the deep seas and space and exploring the two takes and enormous amount of effort, time and money. I can see why some aren't impressed with this film simply because our curiosity isn't really at the forefront of humanity anymore. This is unforunately why some people walked away from this film with lack luster opinions.

     Fortunately for some of us, our curiosity is still a major conquest. There are some of us who dream of being explorers like our ancestors were. This is why I loved the film because it reinvigorated our inate human need to be curious. Space is the final frontier and Captain Picard once said and to consider this film just a film and nothing more is to cut yourself off from a natural human instinct.

     Are my updates slowing down? Maybe. I will attest that I am learning C# at a pretty good rate. I've been grinding daily since my first post back in August. I hope by the end of fall to have something to show for it. Let's keep the dream alive!

     Edit: P.S. also Lasagna. This is all.

     Does anyone remember http://valve-erc.com/? I sure as hell do and miss resources like it. If you don't know about the site I'll do a little explanation. It was a site dedicated to level design/map making for GoldSRC/Half-Life games. It had tons of information and was quite a focal point from 2001 to about 2004/2005ish. Of course with the release of Counter-Strike: Source and Half-Life: 2 many people moved onto Source Engine map making which left all the resources for GoldSRC mapping in the dust. Anyhow I really miss documentation like that for really old games. It's sad to see a site like that go down and stay down as It helped jump start my interest in game development. Perhaps I should create some dedicated archive pages on my site. I'll have a look see into the caches and see if this would be worth it or not. I'm sure there are people on the net who still need GoldSRC mapping resources just as http://valve-erc.com/ had provided.

     My buddies over at Studio Regen introduced me to a very important concept in coding: Functions. They are single-handedly the most important part of coding. Everything you do on a computer is comprised of functions. This thought was truly mind blowing. You can do so much more if you divide things up into functions instead of copy and pasting the same lines of code hundreds of times. I hadn't conceptualized this before and it made coherency problems in my code. This really got my wheels spinning and now I'm on a more logical track when it comes to processing and writing code. Kudos guys, really glad to have your support.

     I think I'm going to start a new segment today on things I've learned. I'm learning C# programming right now so the WILs (sweet abbreviation haha) will likely correspond so that for now. Later they'll be about anything! Alrighty.

     So today and a little bit of yesterday I stumbled upon enum. This little deal blew my mind. In C# you can create custom types. So instead of using just int, float (and in unity Vector3s, Transforms) and etcetera you can make your own. So for instance If I wanted a fruits type I could make my own fruit type that has apples, oranges, bananas and xeloxes (I made my own fruit! Awesome huh?) I can pick from.

     The code would look a little like this:

     Anyhow this blew my mind away and I will definitely make use of it in the near future. I like this segment. I'll be doing it some more.

      Shoutouts to Austin at Awful Media. This guy's tutorials are straight to the point. If you're looking for C# tutorials in Unity that take you by the hand, Austin is your guy. Check out his YouTube Channel. It's a really good source for learning Unity and programming in general.

     What's not to like about C#? That paired with Unity and you've got a jamboree of dev deliciousness. Honestly the hardest part about learning programming is the super logical syntax. I like to think I'm a logical person, but as soon as I try to conceptualize something in Unity and fail, my logic and ego take a dive. It's intimidating for sure, but It's a skill acquired just like anything else. Repetition and dedication is key. Tomorrow I'm setting my eyes on enumeration and arrays. If I'm feeling savvy enough, I'll see how arrays can be used with Vector3s. Oh boy!

     A quick shout out to the cosplayers at PAX. I was very impressed with y'alls. Here's a few photos I'd like to cycle 'round:

     I saw this armor and was impressed. The detail is really thorough. Also the furiosity in that yell is something else.

     Once again the detail in the armor is amazing. This project must have a taken forever. It was totally worth it though. It sure caught tons of attention.

     Totally my girlfriend on the left haha. WOOOO! Very cute.

     Just got back from Pax Prime and I am very inspired right now. What an amazing event. I initially went there with no expectations so I had no idea what I was in for. I saw Street Fighter V, the new Steam Controller and the Mega64 crew. They were a bit tired, but I would be too after 4 days stuck selling shirts in a muggy venue. Anyhow, I'm feeling pretty inspired and would really like to stake my claim in that world. It's really eye opening. I see myself fitting in there. I'll do a little commentary on the cosplay tomorrow.

     It's becoming really apparent to me that I don't update this site even when I have time available to do so. I'm amazed at how easily distracted we can be even when we have the time and resources to stay on top of things. Man, life lessons. They sure are catching up. Anyhow, I wanted to mention how I found it a little sad that I didnt update my site from sometime after November 29th, 2009 until a day ago. That's 6 whole years I could have logged something, anything into the archives. It's actually quite cool that my entries go back as far as 2007. And now there's a gap sadly. Perhaps I should recognize that as a sign in regards to a career. It's all about music or game development. It's quite invigorating! Just what I need. Okay that's all. Just a pinch of my thoughts for the post. Hope you make it future self! I love ya buddy.

     Howdy once more! I've decided to work on a new design after cleaning out my FTP a year ago. I don't expect myself to update very often as my track record isn't good on updating news. I always get around to it though. So here it is, the site redesign. So far so good. I hope to keep it going for years to come. As far as blog worthy news is concerned I've started to pick up C# programming. It's quite a hassle so far, but it will pay off. It has to. Mark my words, or don't. I don't even know how you mark words or like, what that figure of speech even means. I mean, does it mean to physically mark down on a piece of paper what someone last said? Man I don't know. I'm sure there's some logic behind it, but at any rate I'm hoping my next update will be about how super ub3r l33t my coding skillz have become. Take it easy peeps.

     Nothing much to update. No new song or levels. Just would like to mention that school Is a big priority as well as transferring. Maybe I'll have some more tracks up soon. Keep checking back. Please read my blog for clearer info. Also happy ol' thanks givin.

     Usually mapping comes and goes but I really dont know where I fit in, in the virtual realm. So I've been shifting my interests all around. Latley, Its been all about the music. I have several tracks out on the "VinLTD" facebook page (Yeah super exclusive...). Kr@zZy is really just a gamer alias I use. Its silly really. Even so, I adore it. I'll update again ith a picture of my new setup. Gotta clean this damn place haha. Anyways here are the recent tracks that I have been working on.

-Enjoy!

     Here it goes. I've been doing pretty frequent play tests on my newest map with my friends Yokai and Kat. A lot of work has been added and the eye candy is like never before. I think 1.6 is getting a tad old. I usually say that I want to move onto to source but I really think its time.

My best map. My final map, for CS 1.6...

     In the past week since my escape_train update I have been working on other projects. This new one was a lot more entertaining to me so I decided to work on this on instead. I give you a small taste of the current works.

Just a little bit of what I've been doing. Release should follow out soon.

     New map! This one is about terrorist hi-jacking a top secret hover train from a military base. A top operating Counter-terrorist team was put of to the task to stop the Terrorists from stealing the train.

Its still in the works. I'll post the final overview later tonight.

     Recently my 93 year old grandmother was diagnosed with cancer on the liver. Its spreading rapidly and she doesnt have long. Nothing more to say. Just life and its sad.

     I'm taking Reading, Writing, Math and a health class this term. All so I can transfer to a University. I suppose this is what I get for slacking during high school. The schedule is busy and stressful but its something I have to adapt to. This is strange

     My girl and I split up. Its the end of a story.

     Well, midway through the year I decided to cancel the HLSB website because it wasnt doing so well. Thats my excuse for the lack of updates. I assure you, Vin-LTD.net is here to stay. Why? Well it has a bigger grasp of every interest Im fond of. So keep checking back for updates. Sooooo many more new sections too!

     So I decided to start a blog. This is just here for "Life" style updates. You know... Much like twitter but not as annoying and POPULAR! See, I'm ranting now. This is how my blog will be. Me throwing a fit. Read If you'd like.

     I have taken deep interest in Graffiti lately. Aside from my account being banned, this gives me a broad chance to expand on Real Life art. (physical Art). First Piece is going to be dedicated to Isaac Hayes. R.I.P brother.

     Well It seems my STEAM account is disabled... I bought DARWINIA the day before my dad's credit card got stolen so fraud was reported and STEAM disabled my account. How can they legitimately disable an account that you paid for? Thanks Valve you guys are awesome! Now for an 8 digit... Ughh... -.-

     Man I am lazy... In any case wazza! I am hosting several kids from Japan this time around. I hope it goes well. Ill post some picture once its up! Woo hoo! See ya soon.

     New layout for my site. Sleek and simple with a grey tone. Expect more updates for the following...

News

Art

Music

3D development (Maps, Sound, Tex)

Stuff about me and what I am doing

     New layout In progress, Visit the original HLSB site here.

     Uhh... Welcome to the new site. I'm the creator, Vince Gold. Bye.

     This morning I purchased a Supercard Lite. (An unendorsed/Un-Licensed Nintendo product.) I plan to use this as an electronic photo album, Easy access mp3 library, A casual video player and most of all a Nintendo game playing and development system. Their are several videos on YouTube and there is also a site you may check out too! I wont post any links because I don't want to be in trouble since I am not entirely sure this product is safe for the public. I will review it through video or a simple news post. Thanks for reading!

     New stuff is here! I have decided to expand my website and E-Life legacy through a buddy of mine, Yokai. He is busy in Japan and has a blog up and running if you wish to check up on him. Link = Yokai's Blog. You can visit the new site here. As of now Go Daddy is giving me one hell of a time trying to make dubforge viewable so be on the look out.

     Recently I have been working on a new map inspired by and old map. This map was originally designed for Sof2 game play but as I have further explored TF2 certain elements of the game play appear to be similar! Thus I have started to re-create the famous Sof2 multiplayer map "bigfreakinhouse". The picture displayed below shows the improvements of the map. Please provide some constructive criticism or just some comments. Thanks!

     Old and new news will be added to the page, Please remain patient seeing that it has almost been a year since this site was functional. Feel free to check out the Forum. It's highlighted above this message. Also news will be added by more admins (Yokai). Thanks for stopping by.

     Sorry for the lack of updates, Since I got back from Japan I have been very busy. My experiences will be shared on the forums, click the link above to hear.

     Heading over to Japan tomorrow (28th). I'll be back to share my experiences with you all. See you all then!

     Schools out and I am going to be a junior in high school. Hopefully I did good on the finals and passed. Anyways, Looking forward to this summer. I am going to Japan and I am going to learn about the Source engine. So look out for some crazy ass source maps.

     Oh hell yeah! The Half-Life sandbox server is now up. Come check it out. This server is located in Portland Oregon so the pings may fluctuate frequently. I have a map line up consisting of... cs_italy, de_dust2, de_wallmart, cs_office, de_survivor, de_torn, cs_bikini and de_inferno. Enjoy!

     Well... I may not be the most popular Counter-Strike mapper but for the most part I am a Counter-Strike mapper. So I have a site now dedicated to my mapping and myself. All of my maps that I think are worthy and good are on this site. I added some info and links page so If you want a link or an affilite on my web page, Go right ahead and contact me! Nothing much more to say but now I have a site.